The Altar and the Stage

Yes, I know the correct term is between the altar and the door, but, for me, it is a bit different. I am a member of two different worship teams. I seem to be on stage more than I am at the altar. I have the responsibility of leading others into the presence of a Holy God.

Frankly, that scares me some times.

In the Old Testament, the presence of God was represented by the Ark of the Covenant. The Ark resided in the temple, in a place call the Holy of Holys. On the Ark, there was an altar of sorts called the Mercy Seat. The Mercy Seat is said to be where the presence of God would come and sit. This is the place where each year a priest would come to make a sacrifice.

This was not a simple task for the priest. Rather, the priest would have to go through quite a few purification rituals before he could enter this holy place. If he failed to do these rituals properly and approached the mercy seat with any impurity, the presence of God would kill him.

Scary stuff.

The modern equivalent of those priests who went into the presence of God and brought it to the people would be, yea, you guessed it, the worship leaders.

Now you see why this sometimes scares me?

We who lead and serve on worship teams sometimes forget what we are really doing. We are not playing songs to feel good or perform for others. We are literally asking a Holy God to come meet us and let his presence overcome us, the same way those priests would. This is not a task we can take lightly.

God help me, but at times, I find arrogance can step in and I start to feel puffed up. I feel like I am something special because I play music. I feel like I could be a rock star. I thank God though that he is changing this in me.

I am learning everything must flow from a place of reverence and worship to God. My music is not my music. It is God's. It is my sacrifice to him.

So, each time I get on that stage, I need to realize that I am not the one who needs to be seen. Rather, I am coming before an altar. An altar where I lay down my very life.

yea yea, we are all equal...

Ok, as I have stated before, the second I admit that Jesus loves me and died for me, I become accountable to that fact. That accountability must lead to a change in how I view life. The simple act of being loved and accepting love means I must open to love as I myself am loved. (Yes, that is alot of love baby!)

I, myself, have a desire to love like Christ does. I think part of learning to love as Christ loves is to see people as Christ does. So, this opens up the line of questioning, "Just how does Jesus see people?" The first answer that has come to me, (with the help of Don Miller) is Jesus sees people as the same, as equals. While this may seem like a good thing, we must realize that the Bible does say that no one is good, no one is righteous. So, Jesus sees us all in need. He sees us a sinners who need to be redeemed. I believe the reason Jesus came and died was because the heart of God was broken. When man stepped out of the fellowship with God, his heart was broken by betrayal. When you read the book of Hosea, you get a perfect view of God's unending love for mankind. We, as the whore, betray God. Then, God who desperately loves us gives everything he has to get us back. Gives his own life.

So, Jesus sees us all as equal. Equal sinners. Then he loves us in spite of that and reaches out to show us that love.

See, this is where my first problem comes in. I have a hard time seeing everyone as equals. But, it may not be what you think. I more readily equate myself with the outcasts and sinners than I do with the churched. I have a problem looking down my nose at the "churched" and the "holy". I think this comes from past experiences with churches and Christians. (God is teaching me to let go and forgive the past, but that is a story for another time.)

So, I find myself at a crossroad of sorts. No, I take that back. I wish it was a crossroad because I would then have other options. It is a straight road that I have to keep moving forward on. I have to realize that we are ALL created equal, but despite that fact, we are ALL equally forgiven.

So, to sum it up, since I am loved, I must love. I have to let God take me past all my prejudices and show me how to love.

Now, if I can just put all this into action....

We have earned death....

Romans 6:23 "For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord."

So do you see it? The deep contrast between the first part and second part? Our payment for what we do is death. Ok, yea, that is simple. But when you combine it with Romans 3:23, where it says all have sinned, we realize there is no getting around it. We have sinned. Our payment is we die. But wait, what is that second part? The FREE gift is life? What? So, we earn death, but we are given life? That makes no sense!

Ok, I will stop being dumb now, but God hit me with this today. Yea, I knew it, and had read it before, but it really sank in. We have been given a gift. We try to earn our salvation and his love by doing all this stuff. Like ministries. Or church attendance. Or giving money. And I am not saying that all this stuff is bad. But, this says the only thing we can earn is death. His love is a gift. A free gift.

I will write more tomorrow when I sort this out, but it is rocking my world right now.

Fine Irish Whiskey

Right now I find myself struggling once again with accepting and knowing I am forgiven. I am starting to embrace his love, and day by day I believe it more. But guilt over what I have done in the past still shows up some days. Thing is, I think I may be using guilt as an excuse. I mean, if I don't let go of guilt, I can use it when God moves my heart. I can say, "but God, I am still not good enough. Find someone more capable." I think I need to embrace an Isaiah experience. Standing before God, I admit I come from an unclean people. I scream out, "I am undone!" and watch as the blood pours and feel the coal burn my lips, heart, down to my very being. I hear the voice of Jesus whisper "Do no call unclean what I have made clean."

I am beginning to realize that when I hold on to my guilt, I am calling Jesus a liar and saying that the cross was worthless to me.

That is an intense revelation that I am having to let sink in slowly. In fact, all of these realizations and revelations of the past few weeks are like a fine Irish Whiskey. It can not be watered down with ice or soda. It must taken straight. You have have to sip, not chug. And, like fine whiskey, the warming glow of inebriation washes over me. The truth is intoxicating. I love it.

Don't you hate the days when you don't seem to have any deep revelations? Kinda feels like a skipping record where the ideas and thoughts from yesterday are still in the front of your mind. Though, this is a good thing, I suppose, because yesterday offered no resolution. This shows me that God does like to take his time. I think how we as Christians evolve is a perfect example of that fact. I think that if a resolution did come within a 24 hour period, at least a resolution to what he has been challenging me with, I would be apt to forget it. The longer the issues of love and relevance stay in my head and heart, the more they seem to change me. I think a foundation for change is recognizing my own pride. What I mean is I like to keep the focus on me. I see it in not fully acknowledging his love for me. The second I accept that Jesus does love me, I lose a crutch and become accountable to that love. I can no longer use "well, I just don't feel God" or "Nobody really cares" as an excuse. Once I say that, yes, Jesus loves me, I have declared a fact and a truth. A truth that is not reliant on what I feel. A truth that I must then act on. And I guess that leads to caring about people more than caring about what people think of me.

I think we wear our "faith" on our sleeves as a badge and in the process give Christ a bad name. But on the flip, in our efforts to be Relevant, we hide it under the guise of cool. I know myself I worry too much about how everyone sees me and in doing so put the focus in the wrong place. I worry more about looking good to someone than I worry about the actual person.

Also God has been on my heart asking some tough questions. I find myself wondering if I really believe he loves me and forgives me. I say I do in my words, but I let guilt build up and pull me away. I think I can never live up to what I feel God wants me to do because I have screwed up so much.

So yea, I am learning to be loved as well as learning to love.

Relevance

Relevance is a very thin line that we walk. I mean, how do we as followers express our faith and not come off as cheesy and fake? Culture, by a basic definition, simply means "the way we do things around here." Sadly, our culture, based on bad personal experiences and media attention, seeing Christians, ALL Christians as snake oil salesmen and untalented magicians. So, we shun the name Christian and anything that looks like it belongs to the church, but sometimes in the process we end up denying Christ. Not by our lifestyles, but by our mouths. I mean, what is the purpose of doing good and walking steady if we take the credit. We are scared of saying, "It's not me, but Christ in me."

Yeah, it's been over a month since my last post. Been a strange month, with a few changes. I was elected as a Mod over on Relevant, so that was kinda cool. I turned 28, got my tax return and spent it on stuff we actually needed.

My faith has been tested some. I have been reminded of why I need grace just to make it through each day, each hour. Right now I sit here, kinda numb, but a good kind of numb. I am not worried, though I am sure that reasons for worry will arrive soon enough. I just have to believe that Christ will take me through it.

I have started writing again. I have decided to stick to short stories. Oddly enough, it was Stephen King's books that have reawakened my love for writing. King has a great way of bringing stories to life, being both complex and simple all at once.

Nevaeh had a minor surgery to out tubes in her ears on Valentines Day. It's amazing how much of a difference that has made. She has been speaking so much clearer. She is smart, and is already showing a deep love for music. She has natural rhythm, so I know playing an instrument will come easy for her.

Anyway, until next time...

Movin On

Today I heard a song I had not heard in a while. Movin On by Rascal Flatts. I realized alot of that song sums up how I have been feeling. I am just trying to let go of my past and embrace what lies down the road for me. I mean, I can't change it, so why dwell on it, right? There are alot of dreams I have given up and traded for the dreams I am now living. The dreams of a father. Maybe one day I will still make it as a writer or teacher, but for now I just want to provide for my family.

It's late

I have a headache. I think it's the weather getting to me. I come home from work tired and stressed. I really hate the evening shifts. I don't get home till after 10. But, I did get to play with Nevaeh for a while, and she always makes me smile. She is the center of my universe. Being a father really changes everything. You realize you live for something more important than yourself. This little person holds such much power over you. And you love them for it.

cluttered thoughts pt 1

I just got off a 9 hour shift, and I am exhausted. My car blew up yesterday, and is in the shop today. I have spent the last 2 hours thinking about fasting, and wondering if it may be a good idea to help myself become more focused in my walk with God. My daughter is asleep, and my wife is eating cereal. I need to sleep, but I have food in the microwave because even though I am thinking about starting a fast, it will not start tonight.

And now I am taking a deep breath...

Yin and Yang

I hate my job. Problem is, it pays well. I loved my last job. Thing is, I hardly made anything.

See, this is what is bothering me lately. Why can I not have a job I love and make good money doing it? I know life isn't fair, but this has been on my mind lately.

And tonight I am stressed about my job. This week I missed time because of weather. I am worried that they will hold it against me someway. Maybe I am just stressing over nothing. I hope so.

2008

It's a new year. It's a new blog. But, it's the same old me. Maybe it's time for a change. I dunno. I know that I want to focus more on my relationships. My friendships. My family. My relationship with God.

Problem is, I deal with all this guilt. I know I am no where near where I want to be with God. I feel like I am making too many bad decisions. I have all this truth, these God given revelations stirring in my belly, but I feel I have no right to share them.

But, again, as Aaron Lewis said, maybe tomorrow will be ok.